turn your eyes ...

This was not the best weekend.  As a matter of fact, it was downright ugly in lots of ways. 

I think I hit the wall at about 90 mph and crashed and burned a long, slow, ugly burn.

It's hard dealing with chronic illness.  And yes, I know it's not me who feels bad everyday, but it has changed my life in some hard ways these past three months as I've journeyed alongside Gavin through this place.  And the exhaustion, the hurt, the trying all caught up with me in a giant, ugly mess of emotions.

Sunday I went to church ... my church for the first time in a long while ... and Chip spoke about letting God change us.  Can I just say I LOVE my church ... I have the best pastor ... and I love worshipping with those people!!

I was reminded that often Jesus wants to change us in ways different from how we want to be changed.  Instead of being healed, perhaps He wants to build our faith.  Instead of making us a physical beauty, maybe He wants to make us into someone with deep, inner beauty.  His way is not always ours.  But He does want to change us ... for GOOD!

Chip also reminded us that He came to love us in a different way as well.  EVERY human relationship is based on a condition (no matter HOW good it is) ... at the least, we want to love someone who needs/wants our love.  BUT, we need someone to love us who doesn't need our love ... "Jesus doesn't need us - not our service, not our money, not our time, not our love.  But He gives us all of HIS!  Jesus is not a means to change our end, He IS our end." 

He ended by putting Mark 8:35 in a new frame:
For whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me and for the gospel will save it.

I think for the most part I've read that as our physical life ...  just being a martyr for the cause ... but it's so much bigger than that.  It's our "psyche"... the totality of our being.  If we try to find ourself outside of Jesus, we're gonna lose it. 

And then we sang this old hymn ... and I just wept:
O soul, are you weary and troubled?
No light in the darkness you see?
There’s light for a look at the Savior,
And life more abundant and free!

Turn your eyes upon Jesus,
Look full in His wonderful face,
And the things of earth will grow strangely dim,
In the light of His glory and grace.

And the things of earth will grow strangely dim ... in the LIGHT of His glory and grace ...