I don't understand ...

God, but then I'm not asked to understand, only to trust.  Bitterness dissolves when I remember the kind of love with which He has loved me - He gave Himself for me.  Whatever He is doing now is not cause for bitterness.  It has to be designed for good, because He loved me and gave Himself for me."   - Elisabeth Elliot

I've had an Elisabeth Elliot flip calendar for years and year after year (when I remember to flip it) ... it speaks fresh to my heart each time!  Today I caught up on many days and found refreshment in each one.

It's been a tough month for so many.  My prayers have been heavy with needs ...
* for the family of a young man who committed suicide and for his roommates and friends who are reeling in the aftermath
* for a sweet friend who is weary from a hard season of marriage
* for many health needs
* for financial needs
* for future direction
* for a sweet woman who lost her THIRD husband today.  I cannot imagine burying one ... let alone three mates.

And I wonder somedays where God is in the midst of all of this.  I know, I know in the depths of my soul that He is there and that He is grieving and that He is working ... but somedays I feel like Martha saying ... "Where were you ... IF you had been here ... this would not have happened ..."

And then I recall His answer and His agenda ... that His glory is so much greater so often when we WAIT for Him to respond.

But I am weary of the waiting some days.  Some days I am just weary.  period.

"He is indeed Enough. He is not all we would ask for, if we were honest, but it is preciselt when we do not have what we would ask for, and only then, that we can clearly perceive His all-sufficiency. It is when the sea is moonless that the Lord has become my light." - Elisabeth Elliot

And I remember that surrender is not a once-for-all-time occurence.  It is ever day.  Sometimes every hour, opening up my hands and relinquishing the death hold I have on my life, my plans, my desires.  It is so much safer with Him than with me.
"If my life is surrendered to God, all is well.  Let me not grab it back, as though it were in peril in His hand but would be safer in mine." - Elisabeth Elliot