disappointed.

I got up at 3 am to see the Zambia team off this morning.  Now I know how parents feel, it's just not so much fun to get up before God and everybody just to drop someone off at the airport.  They are going someplace cool ... and you are watching the sunrise over I-85.

Friday might have moved May up in the contention for the worst month of my life.  I had battled all week with where things were with Granddad as D Day (leaving for Zambia day) got closer.  It was brutal.  I am not sure I've ever cried so much in my life.  There were good hours and bad hours.  More bad, I must say.  When the call came Thursday that he was back on bipap to stabalize his carbon dioxide levels, the thoughts of a rebound diminished. 

So, as Friday came, I was given the choice of staying here or committing to Zambia for the entire 17 days.  Somewhere in my head and heart I had come to grips with the idea of going ... until/unless something happened.  I didn't want to make decisions based on "what ifs" ... but I also couldn't tell my family that this trip or this job was more important than them.  I mean, who doesn't want that final chance to say "goodbye" and "I love you" ... but I have said those things and if I don't get to say them again on this side of heaven, I have said them.  But choosing to not be at a funeral is a regret I cannot live with.  At that point, Granddad is at peace and at home.  Being at the funeral is for family.  And I don't have a big one ... I dare say, being in Africa when that day comes would not be something I could live with.

So, I made the difficult choice NOT to go to Zambia.

Now, I can see God's provision.  Originally it was just me and my 10 and the docs that their 10.  But, Kristen took a leave of absence that would allow her to go to Zambia and then lead a Haiti trip in a few weeks.  That meant that there was a competent, amazing, extra team leader on that trip.  Never once did I have a moment's hesitation that she couldn't handle it.  Prayed that it would be hassle free and she wouldn't hate me ... but never doubted that I would be leaving this team in good hands.

When the call came Thursday and Mom said she was praying Granddad could peacefully go home (we really are still praying that, if you want to pray that with us) ... I quickly finished making preparations for the trip ... Wal-Mart, bank, packed in record time ... and planned contingency plans in my head every hour.  It was miserable.  So, when decision time came on Friday ... I had everything I needed to hand to Kristen.  Another place I saw God at work.

I love Zambia and Global Samaritans ... but they will still be there.  I love this team ... but I know they will have amazing experiences without me.  I get one family and this might be my only chance to be THERE.  So, they are somewhere over the Atlantic and I am on my couch in Winder.

Honestly, if I didn't feel like there are some folks who do not think I did the right thing, then I could just be thankful for a much needed break from nonstop 60+ hour weeks.  I could be grateful that I can talk to my Mom and be here ... regardless of what happens.  But I feel somewhat like a failure and like I've let some people down.  And I hate it.  I DO feel like my family is relieved ... and that, today, is what matters most to me.  But it's still very. very hard.

And then there's this ...
As they were walking along the road, a man said to him, “I will follow you wherever you go.” Jesus replied, “Foxes have dens and birds have nests, but the Son of Man has no place to lay his head.” He said to another man, “Follow me.” But he replied, “Lord, first let me go and bury my father.” Jesus said to him, “Let the dead bury their own dead, but you go and proclaim the kingdom of God.” Still another said, “I will follow you, Lord; but first let me go back and say goodbye to my family.” Jesus replied, “No one who puts a hand to the plow and looks back is fit for service in the kingdom of God.”   (Lk 9:57-62)

Still struggling with what to do with this ... wondering if THIS is what makes some think that maybe I did not choose wisely.

Yes, there is a cost to following Christ.  Somedays I feel that more than others.  It is these days that I am 10 hours and $600 flights from home that I feel it most poignantly.  I know I cannot make decisions based on what MIGHT happen ... for the last eight years, I've been out of the country 2-4 weeks each year.  Of the last three months, I was supposed to be gone a month of it.  Everyone has asked since I am not going to Zambia if I am going home.  I wish I could ... but I was just there for a week and I know I cannot go home everytime there is a bad day or a big decision.  That is one of those costs of ministry and the fact that that means living here.  But, I am trusting that God will take care of my family when I am not there and that He has made a way for me to be there when they need ME ... and not someone else. 

So tomorrow I am packing for our May campus ministers meeting ... and going to Camp Pinnacle while my Zambia team is finally arriving in Livingstone.  Praying for them ... for peace and provision, for growth and fruitful ministry ... that Kristen will be encouraged and at peace ... and that lives will be changed with the gospel.