Beauty ...

So, this is one of those days ... not looking for sympathy or pity ... not looking for sweet comments from sweet friends cause I know what you think and I know what you'll say and I appreciate it.  I'm just gonna be honest cause it's where my heart is today and I feel kind of safe here and really, this is for me anyway.

Maybe it's because we've done a month of love, sex, dating and marriage at church AND BCM this month.  Maybe it's because I have no fewer than 15 save the dates around my house and office.  Maybe its because I am on again/off again trying to get back to my WW goal.  Maybe it's just because I'm a girl and let's face it, we all have those days weeks.

A couple of weeks ago I went to a swanky luncheon where I got $125,000 for our medical missions with students.  I love, love the healthcare foundation that provides that for us and I love the guys there who are so kind and supportive of who we are.  So, I helped them out signing in other grant recipients.  This sweet older lady kept calling me "pretty girl" ... "Where's this, pretty girl" ... "After you pretty girl" ... and you know what, that day I felt that way and I wanted to just hug her and say, "I love that you took the time to make me feel pretty today."

Then I looked at some pictures of me this weekend and I wanted to untag me in EVERY single one of them ... because I was horrified at how I looked (to me) ... when did I become THAT fat???  I will never wear that shirt again ... and I really AM that old.  And, I got up this morning and got more serious about counting points and put that shirt in a pile to give to my Mom (I mean, she is older, right??).  And although I am the same person I was two weeks ago, I feel completely different.

Maybe it's being 40 and single ... being 20 pounds heavier than I'd like to be (and knowing I CAN change that!!) ... just having one of those weeks ... and I am reminded ...

The king is enthralled by your beauty;

And I am trying to remember that ... but you know what, sometimes it is like your Mom or your best friend telling you that you are beautiful ... I mean, of course they will tell you that ... and they probably even believe it because they see more than the flesh and blood.  And it's sweet.  But it doesn't really count ... not today.  But deep down, I know that its true ... not because I am that beautiful but because He loves me that well .... that much ... that perfectly.  If only our mirrors reflected His view!!

honor him, for he is your lord.

Psalm 45:11

I know it doesn't honor Him to not get that.  He loves me that perfectly and tonight, I am trying to remind myself of that and to live in His truth not my own emotions.  And maybe I'll even read some more of So Long Insecurity cause clearly it something I could use a dose of tonight.

... and the rest of the story ...

I did go read the next couple of chapters of So Long Insecurity. I had forgotten that I had put it aside about a week ago because the next section asked that we set aside some time to pray through the chapter and I'm glad I did because tonight I had the time to go slowly and think and pray.  These are some of the parts of the prayer experience that most hit home with me today ...

Dear God ...

You have not shortchanged me.  I have shortchanged myself and allowed my culture to sell me short ...

Help me come before you with complete transparency and grant me a supernatural confidence that I am safe with You and loved by You ...

Because of YOUR grace I can come to you just as I am ...

Forgive me for turning too many things into competitions.  For being so fixated on what I don't have that I leave the gifts you've given me undeveloped and much less effective than you intended them to be.  Forgive me for thinking pitifully little of the person You've made me ...

From this very moment I receive your lavish forgiveness and Your complete cleansing and in Your name I release all the shame that has come form self-inflicted insecurity.

Lord I now ask you to single out everything You entrusted to me as part of my physical and psychological makeup: personal limitations, my appearance and my God-given disposition.  You knew what you were doing when you formed me in my mother's womb.  Nothing is without purpose...

Please deliver me fomr self-pity and a life of excuses and rationalizations ...

Give me the discernment to call a lie a lie ...

Make me the kind of woman a little girl could follow to dignity and security. I actively and deliberately receive - and vow to keep receiving - everything that I have requested in Your will today...

Help me recognize that I've lost my dignity only because I have surrendered it ... I receive my dignity back.  No one and nothing can take it from me because You are the One who gave it ...