Brave Day #21: Being Single

I don't write much about being single.  Maybe because writing about it admits to the stark reality of it.  I don't want to look needy or desperate.  But today, I am gonna be brave and write about it.

I never intended to find myself 41 and single and I still beg God most days to bring my husband and miraculously let me still have babies ... babies I carry in my womb AND babies I carry in my heart.  And by my calculations, He needs to get on that YESTERDAY already, thank you!

Last night, I went to walk with one of my sweet nursing girls.  She was telling me about a speaker who had done a seminar at her church this week and excitedly blurted out, "She just got engaged at 60!  I want you to be encouraged!!"  Ummmm, I thought I would either throw up or throw something, ya'll!  I do not want to be engaged at 60!  I want to be seeing my kids working toward getting engaged at 60!  She is sweet and she did not mean to be hurtful or discouraging.  But honestly, I am tried of waiting.  I am not content waiting anymore (hmmmm ... haven't been for a good 10+ years).  I so desire that being a wife and mom be the next part of my life and that that start tomorrow!

I had coffee with another 21 year old this week.  It was the first time we'd met and we laughed and lamented about life and ministry and seminary and such.  Loved her.  As she was about to go, she said, "This was great!  I don't know many older, single ladies ..." Yup!  There it is!  I am officially that person that all of my college girls are afraid of becoming ... the one who loves Jesus and is relegated to being an old maid in the process!  Don't try to tell me otherwise.  I was there!  I was 21 and thinking those poor women who got married at 30 ... I never want to be here, even as much as I loved, admired, and adored "her."  I really believe I would be MORE effective in ministry (not less) as a wife and mom ... time might be less, but I would be more seasoned to speak to things such as relationships and family.  They might listen more because they were not so afraid if they got too close they would be like me!  Right now, I am your go to girl on dating and break ups ... and then they look for someone who can take them to the next place.

I am thankful for the things God has let me do these last 41 years.  But I am so ready to be close to family, to start a family of my own, to enter a new and different season of ministry.  I am praying ... I am seeking ... and unfortunately, I am still waiting.  I have always wanted to be married ... was never one of those women's libbers who wanted to be single and independent (not that there's a thing wrong with it).  I think God wired us up for this relationship.  I'm not naive or glassy-eyed anymore.  I know marriage is work, but I also know it is beauty and light.  And I cannot wait to find the person it is worth working at it with!  I cannot wait to have a forever "go to" person! 

So, today, have no fears, I'm not gonna drive my car off a bridge or go out and put myself on Craig's List (although, do you think it'll work??)  I am going to trust that God so knows my heart and all the prayers I've prayed for this slow, stubborn man!  I am going to ask Him again to fulfill these desires.  I am going to keep walking in faithfulness until God acts.  But, if you find my prince out there with a busted GPS, send him on my way ... cause we've got some lost time to make up for.  If you wanna join me in praying for God to fulfill this longing in my heart, please do!  I'm sure it'll be a great story ... but I mean, it doesn't have to be epic ... it just needs to come!