fear of failure

It actually has a name.  Atychiphobia = fear of failure.

I have a paralyzing fear of failure/fear of the unknown.  When I don't really know what is required or fear that I may fail, I tend to freeze up and put off taking any action that would PROVE that I had failed or done it wrong.  It can be as simple as shopping for a car.  Ok, maybe that's not so simple ... something as simple as making a dentist appointment - I mean, really how hard is that or as big as making a decision.  I kind of like my status quo ... and if someone would just tell me what to do at each turn, I'd probably be ok with that.

Except, that's not how those things work.

I applied to teach middle school science in summer school.  I knew it was a long shot, I mean there's only one position and I'm not exactly high in the pecking order around the district.  But, I heard they often had trouble filling those spots and it would be good income for three weeks, so I applied.  And I found out today that I didn't get it.  Not gonna lie, I'm kinda bummed.  I feel like I need a supplemental income to make it on the salary I now have.  That's why I'm spending spring break here at my dining table working on national board certification, because it comes with a good bonus for the next ten years.  And, thus, that fear of failure ... yep, it's let me find about 1004024 other things to do today in the midst of the frustration of not really knowing WHAT I need to do to be successful at this.

Because I cannot envision how God is going to meet my needs: selling my house (without losing a ton), buying a house I can afford here, being able to support myself when I'm 70, being single, etc. I am trying to figure out the best plan to take care of all of that ... and summer school seemed like a good start ... since there seem to be no PRN nursing jobs hiring.  But, of course, that's just my plan.  And I have to remember, that it's not the ONLY plan.

I've been reading in Angie Smith's book What Women Fear ... and just this week, the chapter was on the fear of failure.  She made some compelling arguments.  First of all, our view of failure and God's are often not the same.  He never seems to be nearly as interested in the final outcome as we are.  I KNOW that this adventure of the house (I know, again), the move, the job has caused me to fear more and to have to trust more.  Never has anything been so out of my control.  I also know that up until now, He has never left me and never failed to provide.  I think back to this job that I feel like doesn't quite meet my needs ... but God met my need for a job in miraculous ways to open the door for it.  I don't think that He would do that just to let it leave me in the lurch.

Angie used Gideon in her character study in the chapter on fear of failure.  He had a big job ahead and every reason to think he would fail.  BUT, he was obedient to each one of God's commands, no matter how strange or counterintuitive.  And you know what, God granted him a success that could only have come from God!  Do I want that kind of life and that kind of story - heck yeah!  Am I willing to trust God in the process of being part of it?  That's a little harder.

"Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together."

I'm not sure who this quote can be attributed to, but I do know that it speaks truth.  I don't know what my summer holds now ... or how God will provide for my financial needs.  But I do know that I am not alone or without.  Every need and lots of wants are met each day.  I pray that I will learn to fear less and trust more in this season as I learn to live without control.  And I pray that I will continue to try, even when I feel inadequate, unwanted, and unqualified.